Tag: Relationships

Practice Going First

I always say that I’ll go first… That means if I am checking out at the store, I’ll say hello first. If I am coming across somebody and make eye contact, I’ll smile first. Be first, because – not all times, but most times – it comes in your favor.

Gabrielle Reece

Sometimes we need to have the courage to go first. Think of all the friends and relationships you have made in your life. Did you go first? If not, you’ll be grateful that the other person decided to take the courage to put themselves out there for you.

Now think of all the possible ways in which you could go first going forward. If you work in sales, it could be actively prospecting instead of waiting by the phone for prospects to call you. Be the first to ask someone how their day is. Be the first to smile at someone when you walk past them. Your courage can turn into encouragement for others to pay that smile forward to the next stranger they walk past. Compassion has the potential to spread in this way, and it can all start from you going first.

A Simple Method to Improve Relationships and Provide Value

It’s much easier said than done, but:

Treat every person you meet as if they are the most important person on Earth.

In today’s society, it feels like narcissism and inflated egos are on the rise. How do we stop that within ourselves? Follow the rule above.

There’s nothing in the world that people need more than self-esteem, the feeling that they’re important, that they’re needed, and that they’re respected. Once you’re able to give them this feeling, they will give back with love, support and loyalty.

Act toward others in the way you’d like them to act towards you.

Treat every person you meet as if they are the most important person on Earth.

The Five Love Languages: Which Do You Speak?

The Five Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman outlining how the key to love that lasts is through identifying your partner’s primary love language and loving them in the way that they respond to.

Chapman writes that when we are in the initial “in love” phase for the first two years or so, we are experiencing a temporary emotional high, and when we come down from that we have to be ready to truly love. One of the main reasons our “emotional love-tank” will be so high in this initial phase is probably because we are using all five of the love languages frequently.

But it turns out that what makes us feel loved differs from person to person. Chapman identifies the five love languages as:

Words of Affirmation

These are verbal compliments and words of appreciation. This can come in the form of writing notes, messages or verbally on the phone and in-person. Tone of voice and eye-contact are also important – it not only matters what you say but how you say it.

Quality Time

This is expressed as going on dates together, quality conversation between the two of you, and times where there are no distractions and you can simply be together.

Receiving Gifts

Receiving a gift translates to the feeling that your partner was thinking of you.

Acts of Service

This is when you do a task such as cooking, taking the bins out, taking the car for an oil change for your partner. Acts of service can be easily identified by requests that your partner makes of you – those are the things you can therefore do to make your partner feel loved. Even if they’re things you don’t really enjoy doing, knowing that it’ll make your partner feel loved should give ample motivation.

Physical Touch

This not only includes sex, but also more subtle touches like a hand on the shoulder, an embrace or hand-holding.

So how do you know which one is your primary love language?

If you are in a relationship, you can ask yourself what it is that your partner fails to do that hurts you the most. You can also think of the way you express your love to your partner – this could be the way you want your partner to love you.

Although it is easy to think it would make sense to choose a partner with the same primary love language, it doesn’t necessarily indicate maximal compatibility. For example, a person who loves receiving gifts may not be very good at giving them. In another case, one person’s version of quality time could be dining out at a fancy restaurant, while for the other it could be going camping and fishing. Chapman describes that there are different dialects of the same love language that exist.

What’s most important is knowing each other’s primary (and secondary) love language, and loving your partner in the way they feel loved. By filling each other’s emotional love-tank, we feel significant, and energized to meet life’s other challenges.

For Tony Robbins’ tips on relationships, click here and here

Why the Need to Be Right Is Holding Us Back

It turns out that being right is the primary motivating factor in almost anything we do. Here are a few examples:

I was once on a hike up a mountain with some friends. Once we reached the final saddle, I asked one of my friends how long they thought it would take to reach the summit. My friend estimated another hour. I disagreed and said we could probably do it in half the time. Instantly, and unconsciously, I picked up the pace. The leisurely stroll turned into tough work as I tried to summit faster. After a few minutes, my friend told me to slow down. “Stop walking so fast just because you want to be right.”

A friend was telling me about some health problems they were having one time, where they were visiting with doctors to find out what was wrong. My friend had to wear a monitoring device so the doctor could have a better idea of what the problem could have been. I told my friend, “I hope everything is normal and healthy and you don’t have to go back to the doctors again!”

My friend replied, “I don’t, I just want to find out what’s wrong with me.” I was taken aback. My friend would have preferred being right about the belief that there was something wrong with them, than simply just being healthy.

People who fall out with others because their social or political views get challenged. They confuse opinions and viewpoints with facts, and don’t understand or tolerate anyone who may have an alternative view to what they have. They’d rather be right and make others wrong, even if they were initially close friends or family members.

Being right also helps us reinforce anything we believe in ourselves. If we truly believe ourselves as hard-working, intelligent and courageous, we want to make ourselves right about it and do things to confirm those beliefs. On the other hand, if we see ourselves as drug addicts, failures, or unhealthy, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and we get a small kick in telling ourselves we were right all along. We’d rather be right than be at peace.

The need to be right comes from a lack of security, and the need to feel good. This is because it feels good to be right and it feels bad to be wrong. But if we are trying to make ourselves feel good at the expense of others’ feelings by making them wrong, it comes from a lack of consciousness. We can often even make ourselves right at the expense of ourselves! Eckhart Tolle describes in A New Earth that the need to be right comes from our ego, and that we aren’t the same as our ego. The ego isn’t something we should take too seriously, it’s just something that pops up from time to time, craving your attention. If we identify with it, that where it starts to grow and we become unconscious again.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Intelligent?

Emotional intelligence is a phrase we see loosely throw about in conversations, but what does it actually mean to be emotionally intelligent?

Yale psychologist, Peter Salovey, split emotional intelligence into five domains:

Knowing One’s Emotions

The more we understand our own emotions as they arise, the more self-aware we become and better able we are to describe how we are feeling. We are also better equipped to deal with whatever emotions crop up from moment to moment. An inability to recognize emotions in ourselves leaves us at their mercy. Being in tune with our emotion leads to more certainty in decision-making and we trust ourselves more.

Managing emotions

This builds on the self-awareness of emotion. When we recognize that we are irritable, sad, angry, or anxious, can we soothe ourselves or find a way to act towards a goal despite of these negative emotions? An inability to do this can lead to impulsive decisions or a constant battling of distress.

Motivating oneself

Success towards a goal is largely attributed to delayed gratification and impulsive control. The more we can manage our emotions and still do what we set out to do, the more chance we have of succeeding. Emotions can hijack the brain and without the willpower we can go astray. Being able to enter a ‘flow’ state is another skill emotionally intelligent people are adept at, so that time passes by without distraction.

Recognizing emotions in others

This is probably what most people think of when they hear the term ’emotional intelligence’. How empathic are we? Can we recognize when someone is starting to get irritated, or feeling sad or happy? The more that we understand how someone is feeling, the more we will understand what they need and want. This is crucial for career paths in sales, management, teaching, and caring professions.

Handling relationships

This all culminates in how we are able to handle our relationships effectively. Our quality of life is often attributed to the quality of our relationships, so the better that we can manage the emotions of ourselves and others in our important relationships, the more fulfilled we will be. Having a high emotional intelligence will enable us to become better intimate partners, better to work with, and better to spend time with.

Each individual varies in how well they rank in the five domains of emotional intelligence. Some people may be better at soothing someone else when they are upset, but when they are upset themselves they may find it difficult. Others may be self-aware but oblivious to the subtle cues that others give to them in a social setting.

Even so, what we should all recognize is that our emotional intelligence can be learned, even if some people seem more naturally adept than others. Our brains are remarkably plastic – they can be shaped and biologically influenced based on our input.

Personally, I found that I became much more attuned to other people’s emotions after working in sales because I was engaging in much more face-to-face communication, and it was important for me to get better at it.

Daniel Goleman puts forth in his book Emotional Intelligence that EQ is much more predictive in success than IQ. As a social species, it’s hard to disagree.

The Defining Decade: What People In Their Thirties Regret About Their Twenties

Contemporary culture tells us that our twenties aren’t that important. They’re for experimenting, travelling and generally fucking around. But Meg Jay, author of The Defining Decade disagrees. As a clinical psychologist that mainly sees clients in their twenties and thirties, Jay wrote The Defining Decade to give readers an insight into how important the twenties can be.

The world is changing. Most people in their twenties are graduating from university to find that getting a graduate job in their field isn’t easy. Competition is higher than ever, and it seems more like it’s who you know rather that what you know that determines whether your applications will be seriously considered. As a result, many people in their twenties end up doing jobs that they’re overqualified for – jobs in bars, coffee shops or retail. Jay’s clients who end up in these positions often feel unhappy and disappointed. Too many of these types of jobs for too long can impact our future finances and career. Wages usually peak in our forties so we could be wasting valuable time to increase our earning power.

Jay recommends that people in their twenties focus on increasing their identity capital – the collection of skills, relationships, and professional resources that we build over our lives. This may be through taking a pay cut to work in a lowly job in a lucrative industry, in order to get your foot in the door and work our way up. A simple way summarizing it as Robert Kiyosaki, the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad says, is: “Don’t work to earn, work to learn.”

A common problem Jay encounters while speaking to her clients is that they are anxious because they are comparing their situations to other people on social media. They’ll say “All of my friends are getting married and having babies,” when that is statistically very unlikely. The ones that are doing so might even be people they never talk to anyway, but just happen to be friends on Facebook. It’s important to remember that social media is usually a highlight reel, and even so, comparison is not necessary – what’s important is that you are working towards your own goals, not trying to imitate another’s.

There is a huge discrepancy to how people regard dating in their twenties compared to their thirties. People in their twenties tend to partake in the hook-up culture that has become more normalized over the last few decades. They often go into relationships with people that they know for sure that they won’t end up marrying, but they’re okay with it anyway. When people turn thirty, it can switch like a game of musical chairs when the music stops – everyone ends up pairing up with others, even if they may not be entirely compatible. Jay recommends that people in their twenties be more intentional with their dating so that they don’t have to rush or panic when they start to get a little older.

Jay also warns about the dangers of cohabitation with partners. People in their twenties often move in with their partners because of convenience, or to share financial costs. Before too long, they feel like the next stage is marriage, but they might not really be totally compatible for each other. This is what Jay terms “sliding, not deciding”. Jay recommends if partners are to move in together, to have a conversation about how committed they are to each other and where they see their relationship going in the future.

Another gripe that Jay’s clients often talk about is how their relationships with their family aren’t what they hoped or wished for. Maybe they felt neglected, unloved or unsupported. The good news is though, as an adult they can choose a second family through their partner – getting along with your partner’s family can be a large source of well-being and a sense of belonging.

In a study of people in their twenties, they rated that their most important goal in their life was to be a good parent, followed by having a good marriage, and then a good career. So if people know for sure that they want to have children at some point in their lives, they need to know this: Females become half as fertile from their peak in their twenties at age 30, they are only 25% as fertile at age 35, and 12.5% as fertile at age 40. That’s not to say that people in their thirties and forties cannot have children, but the chances of fertility issues or miscarriages are much more common, and it can be devastating. For men, quality of sperm decreases with age too, although it is not quite as drastic.

The biggest takeaway from Jay in The Defining Decade is that we must do the math on our lives. If we are planning on going to law school and becoming a lawyer, and then want to get married and have three kids after, then what age do you have to start law school? The answer most probably is right now!

For a lot of people reading in their late-twenties or early-thirties, the outlook can seem bleak. But it’s much better to know all this now before it really is too late.

Do Children Stop Playing or Carry on When Someone Gets Hurt?

According to Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, girls are much more likely than boys to stop their games if someone becomes upset or hurt. In boys’ games, the upset boy is expected to move out of the way so the game can continue.

This shows that there is a disparity in the way that boys and girls respond emotionally, even at a young age. Girls are more occupied with minimizing hostility and maximizing co-operation, while boys are more focused on competition, independence and toughness.

I can testify to the boys’ side of this phenomenon: When I split my chin open playing football in school, the game continued on and I resumed once I had gotten successfully patched up by the school nurse. While skateboarding there have been times where people have hurt themselves – if they haven’t moved out of the way they are gently asked to. Obviously there have been times where the injury has been serious enough to stop the game too.

Goleman explains that differences between genders like these can lead to a deficiency in how men and women communicate with each other in intimate relationships. By increasing our emotional intelligence, we can more often become conscious of how the other is feeling, and communicate better.

Want to know more about the five domains of emotional intelligence? Click here.

Tony Robbins: 3 Simple Tips For Relationships with Men

An intimate relationship usually results from an attraction between a masculine and feminine energy. Today’s post is for those with feminine energy in the relationship, and how to treat their partner with masculine energy.

Men Need to Feel Appreciated

There’s nothing that can make a man feel more proud and empowered than a partner that makes him her hero. He will feel as if he can run through brick walls for her, fight for her and die for her.

Criticism, on the other hand, weakens connection. The man feels weaker, and even if it feels like you are simply “coaching” him, it can distance him and potentially force him to looking for somewhere where he feels more appreciated.

Men Need to Feel Opened Up To

When you’re open, it invites your man to open up too. Often, the only person a man opens up to is his partner, so closing off this line of connection is detrimental to the relationship.

Feminine energy is flowing, intuitive and beautiful for a man to experience and be in the presence of. The radiance of the feminine adds energy, passion and connection to the relationship. Being in your own element is what he loves about you.

Men Don’t Want to Feel Controlled

One of the most difficult, but effective feminine traits is surrender. Men want to take the role of the courageous protector, and don’t like to be told what to do by their partner. Even though they are in a relationship, they want to feel free to pursue their goals and hobbies, and have ownership and control of their own lives. Being controlling is actually counterintuitive and forces your partner away, even though it may be the last thing you want.

Neglecting these actions could eventually lead to the man becoming insecure, less assertive and feeling weak. The loss of masculine energy creates a loss of passion and intimacy – a depolarization that could lead to the end of the relationship.

Click here for Tony Robbins’ tips for relationships with women.

Tony Robbins: 3 Simple Tips For Relationships with Women

An intimate relationship usually results from an attraction between a masculine and feminine energy. Today’s post is for those with masculine energy in the relationship, and how to treat their partner with feminine energy.

A Woman Needs to Feel Seen

Picture the husband stonewalling his wife while he sits on the couch watching sports while she’s trying to communicate something to him. Or a time when she wears something different to impress her partner and he doesn’t notice. Women do not want to feel invisible, especially to their partners.

Be present with your partner and make them feel seen. Look them in the eyes while you are talking to them, and compliment sincerely about their appearance or any positive behavior.

A Woman Needs to Feel Understood

A classic example of men misunderstanding the feminine energy of their partners is during communication of a problem or life situation. Women generally prefer to tune into their feelings, while men favor thinking. So when a women express their problems, they are just looking for someone to empathize with them, and fully understand them. That’s when they can begin to trust their partner, feel more comfortable and share more.

Instead of trying to solve the problem instantly, as most men will automatically do, it’s better to listen actively your partner first to make sure you are on the same page. Usually your female partner will know how to solve the problem deep down, they just want to work it out aloud with someone.

A Woman Needs to Feel Safe

Women have an evolutionary drive to feel safe more than men do. Naturally, they are weaker and more prone to attack, so when a woman feels safe she can then open up and share passion with her lover.

Safety can come in different forms and it’s your job to find out which forms are important to your partner. Physical safety of being there to protect her in potentially dangerous situations, psychological safety of knowing that you will be reliable and adept in decision-making, or possibly even financial safety and knowing that you have the resources to provide for her and any potential children.

If these actions are neglected over a period of time, it’s likely that female with the feminine energy will have to adopt some more masculine traits. If her man isn’t able to make decisions she will have to make them herself. If he isn’t able to listen to her, she may have to close off and try to solve problems by herself. The resulting depolarization is devastating for the relationship – any passion or attraction escapes quickly when the feminine has to take on the masculine role too.

Click here for Tony Robbins’ tips for relationships with men.